You’re not fragile, you have poor boundaries
Next Step #11 It's been awhile since my last newsletter was sent out. I'd like to share a round up of my life in the past 6 months and an important learning that I am continuing in life (4 mins reads)
My Half Year Wins
Got married. Still in my honeymoon year with breakthroughs as a wife!
Partially launched one of my project from 9 to 5 (I have a great partner at work!)
Ahead of schedule with my reading goals this year (28/35)
Breakthrough with my husband slash best friend for life
Finally found my Sheldonian Meal Calendar (Eating the same thing everyday isn’t a bad idea!)
Mom’s health gets better
Wrap-up appraisal - it was a good year, I managed to hit what I wanted. I’ve grown from zero to one in new areas and from one to two within existing skills.
Braver with my boundaries (This is what I want to share with you!)
How hurtful it is when someone says or acts in a certain way ? I’ve always known I’m fragile with certain phrases by certain groups of people. It’s like I am known for being ‘you just taking it too hard on yourself’ or ‘you’re like a child’.
How hard it is for you to let things go because hurtful words and acts were thrown at you? Whether it’s direct or indirect, you seem to pick up the patterns and you can feel yourself smash into pieces. Fragile. I’ve always known that I am bad at letting go and I can be very fragile in many situations.
It’s been disguised as me just being ‘hurtful for no reason’ or ‘over sensitive’
Hiding myself in the blanket and blackout curtains down because ‘I can’t get over how things happened’, ‘I can’t let go but I am okay’, ‘I can’t process any word you just said and how you reacted to me’, the list really really can go on there!
The downside of this is having terrible feelings whenever I have to receive a call from the same person again or sitting through a conversation to being objective and sticking to the actual topic discussed. I am starting to see a pattern of behavior that stems from an abyss and leads into a black hole that can be dangerous to my health. Emotional and mental health.
And trying to avoid this, makes me realize that I actually lose my character. I was the one who allowed it to happen.
Never train meself to build boundaries, ‘fragile’ is like a hot chocolate lava muffin that melts from the inside when you cut it in half. Always going along with the ride not realizing I am internalizing worries and overanalyzing a spiral of words that grows into hours of anger and self-doubt. Worse deep fear of not being good enough and suffering from the words that may or may have been intended to hurt me.
When to think of it, it is like I have removed the fence (on purpose) around my house replacing it with a sign “for anybody to step into” and letting anyone step on my fresh mowed grass and blossoming garden while I know I will get hurt for doing that.
It is so much harder to deal with who the hell you’ve become once you’ve got hurt by all that.
I now realize what I want to do is a better boundaries, a strong fence to keep myself safe in my own space. I want to be able to be selective of what I allow to get to my feelings, what gets to hurt me, and verbalise my ground rule (for me to manage myself not them), to escape from constant negative chatters that welcome me to victimized myself every day, to be (super) less concerned with others’ criticisms (if it’s not constructive and only deteriorating my character). I can show empathy and take a reasonable understanding of their internal state and not transmit it to my feelings.
For now, that’s my kickstart system, no idea how good am I with it, but I’ll keep you updated if I figure anything out better (tips are welcome for sure!)
Favorite Things
Fiction read : Away with Penguins and Call of the Penguins and there’s another one i just discovered (TBR list) : How the penguins saved veronica
Non-fiction read : 7 Rules for Positive, Productive Change: Micro Shifts, Macro Results
Favorite Quotes
“We can’t keep learning if we think we already know everything” - Ryan Holiday, Ego is the enemy
“Be so good that they can’t ignore you” - Steve Martin
Learning
You can only get hurt if you find a reason to let it hurt you
Focusing on what you can control can only amplify your leap rather than stressing about what you can’t control
When you speak the truth you don’t have to remember what you have said
Eating a meal of salmon or fish a day really helps with skin complexion (even for a month!)
Changing the place where you are working can help improve your attention span
Look What I’ve made
And yes, frankly my friend, everything is workable!
Love & x,
Wawa Hals